Miracles on tap

Whatever happened to miracles? As soon as the last page in the Bible was written, they dried up.

CharltonHestonIt wasn’t till the advent of Hollywood that they made a re-appearance. But Hollywood’s miracles were only a rehash of the Bible’s miracles, with a difference – the originals were for free, this time round you paid to see them in the cinema. Probably the most spectacular one was the parting of the Red Sea, orchestrated with such aplomb by Charlton Heston.

Hollywood was planning to update the miracle by having Chuck (his nickname) standing on the cliffs of Dover, give a glance up into the sky to get the OK, then with a wave of his hand, order the English channel to part. When informed the miracle would disrupt shipping in the busiest sea-lane in the world, M-G-M offered, in compensation, free tickets for the film’s premiere, to captains and crews of all the ships affected by the hold up, followed by a slap up chicken dinner at Nando’s. Publicity was already stating

“Why bother with technology when a snap of the finger can do the job”
“It will be a 1,000 times better than watching card tricks on the telly”
“Day-trippers can take a leisurely stroll over to Calais, and stock up on cheap plonk”

Alas, Chuck is no longer with us to take on the role he was made for. Despite looking immortal, he’s now in that country “from whose bourn no traveller returns”. So who can step into his shoes, or should that be sandals? Word has it that Bruce Willis was approached. He showed interest, but only if he could wear the blood spattered t-shirt he’s worn in all the Die Hard movies. M-G-M told him “Bruce, you’re supposed to be an emissary of God, show some respect”. When they told him he’d be getting $20m for the role, he decided to show some respect. However when having a false beard glued to his face, and donning a cloak which trailed on the floor like a wedding gown, plus being 5ft 4 in height, he looked like the grandfather of Snow White’s seven dwarves, so Bruce was out. The role is still vacant.

Should miracles be taken seriously? Many religious believers hold that the absence of a plausible explanation of a scientific theory, the best explanation therefore is, they were performed by a supernatural being, and cite this as evidence of a God.


Lets take a few more happenings open to question:

*Did Lot’s wife really turn to salt when she looked back to Sodom and Gomorrah? I have been looking up various theories and explanations put forward, which, to put it bluntly, need to be taken with a pinch of salt

*Did David kill Goliath? Again, after raking through the theories and explanations, you’ll end up where you started ie, non the wiser. Even Sherlock Holmes would be baffled.

*Do cherubs live outside of paintings?

AdamEve*Are all our imported tasteless apples descendants of the poisonous one Adam and Eve bit into, for which, the story goes, God banned them from the Garden of Eden? If so, let’s ban the ones we get till such time when overseas growers learn to put the taste back in.

Why is it I can name Adam and Eve, but can’t remember the names of neighbours living three doors away?

Long Live Miracles!

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