Where's that bin?


Looks like a reject from Dr Who

As you enter the square mile of the City of London, you take a banana from your pocket and begin eating it. Looking for a bin to dump the skin, there’s none in sight, and not wishing to throw the skin in the road, you put it in your pocket.

Pulling an apple from another pocket, you start munching down to the core. Still no bins, put the core on top of the banana skin. By now you’ve reached Cheapside, and still feeling peckish, you buy a wrapped cheese sandwich. The sticky wrapping goes on top of the core. The sandwich is not very tasty. Same procedure, plonk it on the wrapping. Your pocket is now bulging with food waste.

THIS IS TOO MUCH, you hear yourself shouting. WHERE’S THOSE BLOODY BINS’?

Passers by are staring, a voice suddenly whispers in your ear “pardon me sir, you’re causing a disturbance”. You turn, the whisperer is a policeman. “Officer” you cry “I’ve become a walking dustbin”. A crowd is beginning to gather.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST RUBBISH BIN IS? you shout. A voice in the crowd shouts back, YES MATE, ON THE M25. Laughter all round.

Someone pipes up LET’S TAKE A COLLECTION AND BUY THE POOR CHAP A NICE BIN FROM HARRODS, WE’LL BORROW THE COPPER’S HELMET TO PUT THE MONEY IN. The crowd are shrieking. “That’s it” says the copper, “I gave you fair warning, I’m running you in for disturbing the peace” Someone shouts DID YOU SAY PEACE OR POLICE? The copper continues “anything you now say will be taken down in evidence”… you break in… “I’ve heard that line in so many cop movies, its laughable”. “well I’m not laughing” he replies. “I’m calling a van to take you away”. Seeing that the crowd is on your side, you politely say, “that’s awfully decent of you officer, I hope its not Margate, if you make it Brighton. I’ll buy you an ice-cream on the pier”.

As the van is pulling away, with you inside, you peer through the porthole window, in time to see the crowd waving goodbye. You wave back with your handcuffed wrists, and murmur “I’ll never eat another banana in the City of London”.

Footnote: My friend, you will be pleased to know that the City of London Corporation are deploying bins, known as techno-pods, across the Square Mile, for collection of general recyclable waste. They are conveniently sited alongside main roads. You can resume once again noshing any fruit you desire, within the City boundary. Though I do advise you to pick up a guide highlighting where the pods are located, otherwise you may find yourself in a van on your way to Lewes jail.

Well at least Lewes is only a few miles from Brighton. Bon Voyage.

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