Mine happens to be a song featured in a Bing Crosby/Grace Kelly movie The Country Girl, and called “Dissertation on the state of Bliss”.

Now that is classic. And why not? It was written by Ira Gershwin, George’s brother.

First printing press

Surprisingly English language was not doled out at the Tower of Babel, but the result of invasions by German tribes in the 5th century (something Hitler couldn’t do). Then, there was no indigenous language, but a mixture of Celtic, comprising Welsh, Cornish, Gaelic, and, would you believe, Breton. Celtic being a group of languages that once stretched from South-East Europe to Britain.

The invading tribes spoke similar languages; the heady combination eventually developing into Old English, which was spoken until 1100AD. Over the years it went through many changes, due to England being conquered again, this time by the Normans, led by the aptly named William the Conqueror.

It was not until the 14th century that English became dominant again, to include new words and phrases entering the language.

In 1436 a German business man, Johannes Gutenberg, invented the world’s first printing press. Mass production of books at affordable prices encouraged more people in learning to read. Standardization was now deemed necessary, therefore grammar and spelling were conformed to a fixed pattern.

The most important link in this chain of learning was consolidated by the publication in 1604 of the first English dictionary.

Despite being a western movie, it can, because of its strong narrative, hold you transfixed right to the end. Catch it.

The descent is similar to that at the Haymarket, but this is more modern and has handrails

A week ago I went to see the stage production of A Man And Two Governors at the Haymarket Theatre, London, a comedy well worth seeing.

Because it’s a listed building, it cannot have lifts installed. There are many stairs to ascend if you have tickets for the Circle or the Gallery. When reaching either of those levels there are more stairs to contend with in order to reach your seat. This is – at least I found it so – a hazardous experience, the stairs are very steep, and lack of handrails on either sides makes it more so.

This must deter many from attempting to cope with what could be described as an obstacle course. Not all London theatres have this problem, which is restricted mainly to those built early in the last century.

Unfortunately the only option if you love going to a theatre, is to pay a much higher price for a ticket in the stalls.

About to fly off the top of Ben Nevis

Ever wondered what happened to the Widow in the Scottish Widows advert?

My source of information informs me, she got fed up prancing round the Scottish moors in her cape, so the widow gave the cape to a charity shop and married Henry Widmark, a widower from Widdicombe.

Mr Widmark invented the Widget, described in one dictionary as a ‘thingamajig’ or more precisely a ‘whatsit’, and bears no relation to a widgeon, described in a second dictionary as ‘unknown or irrelevant’ then again in another dictionary as ‘wigeon’ (no D as you will notice).

Ah!!!!! now it’s beginning to make sense. This time round the wigeon just happens to be… wait for it… a freshwater dabbling duck. Of course you will not be surprised to learn, the male duck has, would you believe…..a chestnut head!

Understandably for a young lady who once frolicked as the Scottish Widow, over the glens, listening every evening to Henry babbling on and on about wigeons. Or was it pigeons? made her think “I should have married the film star Richard Widmark” Too late I’m afraid, Richard’s already spoken for. Your best bet is to poison Henry, become a widow again, run through the heather and pray you’ll bump into Heathcliff, from Wuthering Heights.

Looks like a reject from Dr Who

As you enter the square mile of the City of London, you take a banana from your pocket and begin eating it. Looking for a bin to dump the skin, there’s none in sight, and not wishing to throw the skin in the road, you put it in your pocket.

Pulling an apple from another pocket, you start munching down to the core. Still no bins, put the core on top of the banana skin. By now you’ve reached Cheapside, and still feeling peckish, you buy a wrapped cheese sandwich. The sticky wrapping goes on top of the core. The sandwich is not very tasty. Same procedure, plonk it on the wrapping. Your pocket is now bulging with food waste.

THIS IS TOO MUCH, you hear yourself shouting. WHERE’S THOSE BLOODY BINS’?

Passers by are staring, a voice suddenly whispers in your ear “pardon me sir, you’re causing a disturbance”. You turn, the whisperer is a policeman. “Officer” you cry “I’ve become a walking dustbin”. A crowd is beginning to gather.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST RUBBISH BIN IS? you shout. A voice in the crowd shouts back, YES MATE, ON THE M25. Laughter all round.

Someone pipes up LET’S TAKE A COLLECTION AND BUY THE POOR CHAP A NICE BIN FROM HARRODS, WE’LL BORROW THE COPPER’S HELMET TO PUT THE MONEY IN. The crowd are shrieking. “That’s it” says the copper, “I gave you fair warning, I’m running you in for disturbing the peace” Someone shouts DID YOU SAY PEACE OR POLICE? The copper continues “anything you now say will be taken down in evidence”… you break in… “I’ve heard that line in so many cop movies, its laughable”. “well I’m not laughing” he replies. “I’m calling a van to take you away”. Seeing that the crowd is on your side, you politely say, “that’s awfully decent of you officer, I hope its not Margate, if you make it Brighton. I’ll buy you an ice-cream on the pier”.

As the van is pulling away, with you inside, you peer through the porthole window, in time to see the crowd waving goodbye. You wave back with your handcuffed wrists, and murmur “I’ll never eat another banana in the City of London”.

Footnote: My friend, you will be pleased to know that the City of London Corporation are deploying bins, known as techno-pods, across the Square Mile, for collection of general recyclable waste. They are conveniently sited alongside main roads. You can resume once again noshing any fruit you desire, within the City boundary. Though I do advise you to pick up a guide highlighting where the pods are located, otherwise you may find yourself in a van on your way to Lewes jail.

Well at least Lewes is only a few miles from Brighton. Bon Voyage.

Pinnacle year

1939 is acknowledged as the pinnacle year for Hollywood movies. Gone With the Wind, The wizard of Oz, Stagecoach, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, plus many other classics, all of which have stood the test of time. Reaching that exalted position had its start 10 years earlier; the beginning of the talkies. Ironically the next 10 years would elapse to see the beginning of the break up of the Hollywood system. Before that event the outbreak of war saw Hollywood going into top gear producing more films than at any time in its history.

Chaff and Wheat

Wartime audiences flocked to the cinemas for entertainment regardless if the movies were chaff or wheat. Having no competition Hollywood delivered the goods – be it comedy, dramas, westerns, musicals. It wasn’t until the end of the war that the British film industry got into its stride and began to turn out their masterpieces.

The Musical

Throughout the 40s musicals proved to be the most popular film entertainment. Every Hollywood studio embarked on making them. Those produced by what was known as the poverty row studios – Monogram, Republic, were, to be kind, absolutely appalling. The Hollywood musical was just that, written exclusively for the big screen .There was no shortage of talent – singers and dancers. Fortunately supply kept up with demand. At the war’s end Hollywood returned to a more normal production output. By this time too, the public’s interest in the musical began to wane. Only two of the major studios – MGM & 20th Century Fox – both of whom were the leaders of the musical genre, continued making them. But somehow a lot of the spark of the wartime musicals seemed to be missing. The answer was, of course, film stars are mortal, just like the rest of us. Put it to the test, look in the mirror and say to yourself “I don’t look any different than I did 10 years ago”. ‘Nuff said…

A Last Fling

As the end of the 40s advanced into the 50s Hollywood was in dire straits. The dreaded blacklist which ended the careers of many top screenwriters because of their politics, the selling off of the studios cinema chains, the creeping spectre of television, the falling off of cinema audiences, signalled that what was once a thriving industry was about to collapse. It soon came to the attention of the big studios that Broadway, New York, was making musical history, staging the works of top American songwriters, the likes of Irving Berlin, Cole Porter, and other top notch composers. Annie Get Your Gun, Guys and Dolls, The Pyjama Game, et al. They began to buy those productions to convert to the big screen. The best deal was stuck by 20th Century Fox who signed with Rodgers and Hammerstein to film their blockbuster shows, beginning with Oklahoma, which was followed by The King and I, Carousel and South Pacific, all of which did well at the box office.

A Miracle Occurs

The other studios did fairly well with their purchases, though nothing to get excited about. They were still in the doldrums. Then suddenly a miracle occurred, something completely unexpected. 20th Century Fox had one more Rodgers and Hammerstein musical to complete, a nondescript dullish thing called The Sound of Music, with dullish trite songs. When the film opened in New York the critics had a field day lambasting it. The kindest summing up, being called The Sound of Muzak. One New York critic, Pauline Kael, promptly got the sack by McCall’s magazine for her scurrilous review. And that was the end of that. Or so it seemed because the movie went on to wide acclaim by audiences throughout the world. 20th Century Fox cleaned up, raking in millions of dollars, which compensated for their losses incurred by Cleopatra starring Elizabeth Taylor.

 The Trap Closes

After the world wide success of The Sound of Music, 20th Century Fox began to spend millions of dollars to produce more musicals, in the hope of striking the jack-pot again. The other major studios scrambled on board gambling their dollars too, saying if Fox can do it so can we. Little did they know they were about to enter a minefield. Like those who invest large amounts of their money in the hope of making more, they sometimes come unstuck and lose the lot. This is the fate that befell film-makers looking for another Sound of Music to swell their coffers. Unlike investors who lose everything over-night, it took some years for it to happen in Hollywood. By then of course, many millions of dollars had gone down the drain. Here are some of the crazy concoctions audiences had to sit through:

Paint your Wagon: Clint Eastwood sings (to put it mildly) “I talk to the trees, but they don’t listen to me”. For lumps of wood, trees are so intelligent, they told Clint to keep painting his wagon. The film also starred Lee Marvin croaking out “I was born under a wandering star”. It was Lee who should have wandered, not the star. Unbelievably the song went to No 1.
Dr Dolittle: Rex Harrison as a veterinarian who can converse with animals. I understand he trained for the role at Regents Park Zoo. He was also angry because the animals had the best lines in the film.
Man of La Mancha: Peter O’Toole plays Don Quixote, never happier than tilting a windmill, and singing, with a dubbed voice, “The impossible dream”. Sophia Loren was also in it, singing with a dubbed voice. I’m not sure who dubbed for Don’s horse, Pavarotti maybe, who knows?

On a Clear Day You Can See Forever: Barbra Streisand (ah at last someone who can sing) but a pointless waste of talent. When Barbra sang the title song the only clear thing one could see was all the studio’s money going down the drain.

Money going down the drain was also the fate for the other studios which just about bankrupted the once great Hollywood system. Who would have thought a simple little musical by Rodgers and Hammerstein; with a simple, trite, though tuneful score – which could never match their classics, Oklahoma The King and I, Carousel, South Pacific – would unwittingly help the downfall.

What the studios failed to notice was the changing taste in music. This was proved with the sensational response to Saturday Night Fever. The old Hollywood was a thing of the past, and yet, if one wants to get nostalgic, close your eyes and there’s Clark Gable, Gary Cooper up there on the screen, only to be replaced by Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone. The mind boggles…

But keep viewing; sometime in the future Bruce and Sly will disappear. Did I hear someone in the circle call down? Please let it be soon… my god that was my voice…

Well, to steal the Bugs Bunny catchphrase: “That’s all Folks”.

Lillie doing the crossword

As early as 1921 the major Hollywood studios were being investigated for operating block booking distribution of their films. The practice involved forcing independent cinemas to take a group of films sight unseen, rather than allowing them to pick and choose. If they didn’t take the bulk, the studio would refuse them further business. Mostly a deal was done, among the group would be couple of attractive films with well known stars of the day, the rest being low budget movies.

The Rise of Hollywood

In 1928 the American Federal Trade Commission took 10 Hollywood studios to court, the case dragged on and in 1930 the studios were declared guilty of monopolisation. America was in the depths of the Great Depression and rather than a lengthy drawn out challenge to the decision, a deal was arranged, the studios agreed to modify some of their activities. However over the next ten years Hollywood, by 1938 became one of the most powerful industries in America. Studio production increased, many great films were made, MGM’s motto was they had ‘more stars than there are in heaven’. The major studios were buying up cinemas in all the big key cities to ensure the showing of their films, and in the process virtually destroyed any opposition from independent film producers

Beginning of the End

This time the Administration did not mince words, ordering the Department of Justice to file suit against the major studios accusing them of breaking the anti-trust laws. The studios wanting to hold onto their gains ,insisted their own right to protect their interests, and prepared to contest the allegations. Another protracted trial was likely, this was compounded by the advent of World War 2. After the war, proceedings continued. It was not until 1948 that the day of reckoning arrived; the major studios were ordered to stop their aggressive block booking practices, and to divest themselves of their cinema chains. By 1949, major film studios had given up ownership of all their theatres.

Out with the Old

The great days of the studio system and Hollywood’s Golden Age were over. MGM ended up with less stars than on the American flag . Without their showcases plus the drop in profits the big banks were now reluctant to provide money to finance films. Despite the setbacks films were still being made, though now there was the feeling of ‘out with the old in with the new’. It was not till the sixties that big changes occurred, best typified by bedroom scenes. In the Golden Age of Hollywood, one of the leading stars was in the bed, the other (as decreed by the censor) always sat on the edge, one foot firmly on the floor (I wish now I’d shouted from my seat in the stalls “take your foot off the brake pedal”). Married couples were no problem, they had twin beds. Now of course without a censor the stars don’t even bother about beds. I think the old is best summed up by the quip

when two people make for the bedroom in a Hollywood movie, they always end up in the nursery

I’ll end this little piece of nostalgia recounting a trip made in the early 1950s to a cinema in East London – the Ben Hur – though not very far from where I lived I’d never been to it before, an old cinema noted for showing two big movies on the same bill.

I went to see  The Last Days of Pompii and She, both 1935 movies. She was on first; an African expedition searching for something or other, and stumbling into a lost city, complete with a queen who greets the safari with “if I knew you were coming…”. Then exactly on cue, the audience belted out in tune I’D HAVE BAKED A CAKE lyric of a popular song of the day. Next up, The Last Days of Pompii. During the eruption of Mount Vesuvias when buildings came tumbling down, I was impressed by the soundtrack, the eruption seemed to be happening realistically above my head, and continued when the film ended. All was explained when leaving the cinema I saw a group of kids throwing stones in the air which were landing on the cinema’s tin roof. All-in-all – good value for one shilling and six pence.

A critic summed up the movie Ben Hur…loved Ben …hated Hur. My favourite is a review of the movie You Were Meant For Me, which the critic dismissed in one line “That’s what you think”.

Next instalment – we finally get around to The Sound of Music.